Quick Chili

A buddy of mine showed me a photo of a KC-San Francisco hot dog face-off ad promoting the World Series. The KC one looked fine, saeurkraut is perfectly acceptable on a frank. But the weird shit the Cali dog had sprinkled all over it, avocado and peppers and corn, CORN? You gonna put CORN on a goddamn dog? That's too ridiculous for me, and I told him so, but it's resulted in an only half-joking recipe concept of the impossible hot dog, just six or seven dogs with the most unimaginable shit on them, hot cheetoes and chips and garlic and feta and shit. Just no corn, please. It's like biting into candy, totally takes me out of the dish. I'd rather chew on a big chunk of cilantro, and i've got the mutation that makes it taste like dish soap. Genetically incapable of tasting it. Is it good, or what? It's not soapy to you?

All this back and forth over the goddamn hot dogs got me craving chili dogs, i have a can of easy cheese in my cabinet from making cheesesteaks the other day (i should post that recipe...) and it'd go perfect on a chili dog alongside a swipe of sriracha or sour cream or something. That somehow turned into chili dog casserole, because Google was drunk as fuck and suggesting shit out of left field for my dinner search. Clicked over to images and saw some waffle fries soaked in chili, and was sold. Chili fries for dinner, it's decided.

Instead of the three ingredient route -- can of chili, jar of cheese, bag of fries -- i took the more strenuous road and made all three myself. Not only does it save me some cash, it makes sense to me to make it myself. I feel silly paying for walmart (or whoever makes the fries at the fry factory somewhere out of state) to feed me. I can feed me, I can make some goddamn fries, they're not even hard, it's potatoes in oil.

(Spoiler alert: I TOTALLY fucked up my fries and ended up turning my chili cheese fries into a casserole by mixing all three together. Wasn't even mad.)

I looked up a couple recipes for the dish, for inspiration and time saving tips. I didn't want to spend all damn day making chili (and chili proper outghta take all day, from my experience), or fiddle with a bunch of subtle niche ingredients like cocoa powder or whatever. Simple, straightforward food. I spent under $20 for the ingredients: ground beef was damn near $5/lb, when sitting next to it is ground pork for $2, and ground turkey for the same. So I'm getting twice as much meat for half the price. "Functional fixedness" may make this decision seem a little obscene, but I challenge you to open your mind and save your cash, sub out the beef for white meat and see how you like it. I'm from Texas, we ate beef damn near daily throughout my childhood, I absolutely love it. I've gone months without buying it ground, though, because a girl's gotta have purchasing limits, and I outright refuse to pay that much for that little. Like green peppers. I OUTRIGHT REFUSE TO BUY GREEN PEPPERS FOR 80 CENTS A PIECE. A PIECE! ABSOLUTELY NOT! One of the reasons I'm planting raised beds in the spring is the price of these goddamn peppers. Don't you know I love you, green pepper? AND YOU DO ME THIS WAY? WHY.

I did use green pepper in this chili. I got it three for a buck at the local produce stand. I'll do a post on them sometime, grabbed a couple photos from there yesterday when Fish and I stopped in after walking the dog at the park. Nothing better than veg shopping with your family to put a sentimental spin on your Sunday, that's a fact.

I grabbed a couple jalapenos, which were like a quarter, and some garlic, which was around the same. I cook with a crap ton of garlic, so I usually need to buy three bulbs a week, just to use in my meal plans. I love roasting it in oil for hours, it gets all squishy inside and you can squeeze them out into a jar and keep it in your fridge for whenever. I spread it on toast. My dad hates it when I roast garlic, says I reek of it for days afterward. I took it as a compliment. He definitely did not mean it as one.

Quick tip, since we're on the subject: peel all of your garlic at once!
1. get 2 metal bowls or cake pans
2. put bulb in one, squish it with the back of the other to break it into pieces
3. invert the top bowl/pan and SHAKE THE SHIT OUTTA THAT GARLIC, 20 seconds or so.

Ta-da! Peeled garlic! It's a neat trick. Personally, I just like to mash it with the side of my cooking knife, but it's a time saver if you hate picking out garlic paper from the smelly insides (I do not).

Needed pinto and red kidney beans, half a buck a can. I prefer dry beans, but this is quick chili, no time to overthink it. The goal here isn't "best chili evah," THAT goal comes next month, when I compete in my company-wide CHILI COOK OFF and will WIN or KILL MYSELF. I will drown myself in my own subpar chili. I will dump it out on the side of the road. I will feed it to my dog.

Nah, I'm being dramatic. I'll eat every bit of it. I love chili! It freezes so well and has such personality! So thick and saucy with so many unique yet overlapping components, holy crap, I can't wait to put all of myself into that goddamn chili pot. Not for this one, though. The goal here is "better than canned chili." I'm not buying canned chili, dude. I will mock others for buying it. It is disgusting. I ate some here at work, with some fritos and rotel and cheese? IT WAS AWFUL. I HATED MYSELF FOR IT. THE SHAME WAS WORSE THAN THE MIDDAY STARVATION ALTERNATIVE. Screw canned chili, that's what this is all about, is what I'm saying here. It's fucking awful, don't buy it, chili takes two seconds, we're almost done shopping.

I had onions already, had the seasonings, picked up some chili powder, just in case, and those mexican bags of cumin/comino. Great smell. Cumin is my very favorite spice. I love it deeply. Had what was left of an 18 pack of PBR in the fridge, needed evaporated milk and shredded sharp cheddar though, for the cheese sauce? Grabbed a big can of diced tomatoes, as well. Had pizza sauce at the house for more tomato flavor. Time to check out.

I have a large pressure-cooker I use for my chilis, soups and stews. I mixed the pork and turkey together and heated it in a little oil. Chopped up my ingredients, opened my cans, rinsed my beans, and got to it. Nixed the meat, added the onion and garlic. Added the meat to the rinsed beans, tomatoes, and seasonings: paprika, chili powder, brown sugar, pepper, cumin. Nothing fancy, just poured it all on top and waited for the veg to soften before dumping the seasoned meat-bean bowl on top, and adding some beer, some old coffee, and some frozen broth cubes I keep on hand for exactly this moment. Lowered the heat, covered it and left it alone while I made the fries and cheese sauce.

Sauce was easy, just cheese and corn starch in a pan with hot sauce, mustard powder, paprika and evaporated milk. Thickens fast, tastes ridiculous. Tried making the fries: scrubbed and sliced the spuds into fries, boiled 10 minutes, dried on a pan for 5 minutes before frying and sitting for a half hour and then refrying. One of these steps I fucked up: maybe the oil wasn't hot enough? Need a kitchen thermometer. Maybe the potatoes weren't dry enough? Use paper towels. Maybe they didn't rest long enough? Don't be so rushy-rushy next time (inherent issue here, it's chili cheese fries, just get it done, dude!). All in all, the flavor was there, but they never got crispy. So I threw it all in a casserole dish (saving a deep tupperware full of chili for another day, score!) and baked it for 20 minutes or so. It was pretty good! Ate mine with sriracha.

So next time you feel your arm extending towards that Hormel of Wolf Brand tin at the supermarket, REMEMBER I AM TRYING TO ZAP YOUR ARM IN INDIGNANT PSYCHIC DETERRENCE. Don't play around with some broke ass meat in a can, dude. You're better than that, I KNOW you are. Do what I tell you, make yourself some quick chili, make your house smell awesome, get some fritos and some sour cream, make some cheese sauce, and go fucking nuts. It's cheaper, healthier, you get more out of it, portion- and flavor-wise, and cooking is SEXY, baby! Everybody loves a female or fella who cook. Dump any spice you want in there, play around with beans and beers, etc. This would be good on noodles, as well, make yourself a cheap-ass chili mac? Freezes insanely well, too!

Do it, dude. Do it for America. Do it for Heather. But mostly do it because you deserve it. Don't underestimate your skill or interest, here! Get in the goddamn kitchen and make me some chili!